The Cabin In The Woods Spoiler

...back on my movie shit!

On Friday night, I took time out of my very prescious life span to see The Cabin In The Woods without any prior knowledge of it (I just didn't want to pay money to see American Reunion). On the movie poster it reads in fine print "from the writers of Cloverfield" and people know I love Cloverfield! So this movie had me at hello.. 

WARNING SPOILER ALERT!!! This is NOT like Cabin Fever (another movie I love) just in case the trailer gave you that incentive. The Cabin In The Woods is as simplistic as the movie title -- but wait, it gets complicated. It's so intricate, I have to give it away. 

In the opening sequence, there's Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford working in a laboratory kind of place and just when you think this movie is just a horror, these bastards pull jokes out of their ass. Subsequently after the hints and mystery was thrown into the equation, they put the camera on a 5 pack of teenagers and all of a sudden, it's set up into your least favorite scary movie. It starts off with this red headed chick prancing around her open window in her panties and I go "Yeah, I'm a MAN and I really like this part" She's super excited about this trip to a cabin but at the same time sad about a breakup between her and her teacher. That's totally gross and I deducted 50 points. All the characters start to enroll and indulge into typical scary movie personas. The whore, the athlete, the guy who always says some thought provoking funny shit, the cool scholar handsome looking mysterious fellow, and the single chick who finds him attractive who usually plays the lead.

 So moving along, they're riding in this RV van and what happens next?! They make a pit stop for gas at the creepiest fucking gas station ever. It looks deserted but here's the twist, it's not. There's a creepy guy in there who has some shit to say about you trespassing. No this is not the Texas Chainsaw Massacre let me finish. Meanwhile, the scientists in the lab give away that this is all being controlled by them. 

[fast forward] Okay they're in a cabin and we realize all these characters are either dumb or being controlled by the eccentric mist coming from the vents and the ground. I say heads and tails. The dead awakens and these people ignore every single rule from Zombieland. Wait, let's not forget that the guy who plays Thor (Chris Hemmsworth) and the whore go fucking in the woods and she shows her tits. This was anticipated by me in the opening credits and everybody in the lab which is a funny scene.  I digress, the summoned zombies kill these poor teens one by one. I can not iterate how much the sensitive love interest guy was so emotionally lame throughout the scooby doo chase. EVERYBODY IS DYING! CAN YOU GIVE US SOME KIND OF INDICATION THAT YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT?

They all die stupidly easy except two of them including one of the guys who was LEFT without even asking about his whereabouts (very stupid part). Together they kill the zombies and debunk this laboratory place and find that they were human sacrifices for evil gods. In order to keep the gods from killing everybody on earth, these people must die according to plan. The last 30 minutes is worth watching the crappy horror movie rendition. In order to like this movie, you would have to like all of the things that make nightmares and other horror movies scary because all of that fiery was unleashed. To summarize this movie in a run on sentence, it was a remake of a crappy old horror movie about staged deaths engineered by scientists and viewed by evil gods who get off seeing humans die strategically in a cabin and everybody eventually die because they sent one guy to kill two people. ...shoulder shrug? I don't know. There were too many holes that I didn't fill but I'll leave that up to you. 

I didn't hate it but I'm not going to rate it, but considered this movie, spoiled. Your welcome...