My Weird Phobias

Inspired by holidays like Easter and other family meet-and-greet holidays, I decided to shed light on why I go above immeasurable lengths to avoid these kind of situations. Let me explain what happened yesterday...

"My girlfriend called me at work and asked me if I wanted to go her sister's house for dinner. Easter is a religious holiday and god knows I hate religion but instead of constantly disappointing her, I accepted this invite. On the way there she told me her mom will be there and I immediately began plotting an escape. It's not that I hate her mother it's just that her mother is fucking annoying (along with some of other family members) especially to my condition. Knowing my history of impulsive jail breaks, she gave me the pep talk in the car about how I'm not bailing this time -- nor will I have a panic attack. Shit, I had a panic attack once we got out the car. I told her once we go in here give me somewhere to sit where nobody will notice me. So we're in there and I'm standing in front of everybody for 10 minutes like the fool who accepted the invite. Now I'm a dart board for scrutiny and satire and all of the sudden I feel like a bully victim. I'm not slinging mud back because honestly I don't give a fuck about being there and I'm lowkey screaming on the inside. The small talk, the closed space and lack of room to breathe, the people! triggered Agoraphobia. Once this transpired, I astutely made a way to the door. Found myself sitting in the car for 2 and a half hours."

Hi, my name is Cion and I suffer from Agoraphobia. When I did my research on it, it didn't make me feel abnormal anymore. According to Wikipedia, Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where it is perceived to be difficult or embarrassing to escape. Symptoms include:

•  Fear of losing control in public
•  Inability to leave your house for long periods (house bound)
•  Fear of being alone
•  Fear of being in a crowded area
•  Feel completely dependent on others
•  A sense of unreality
•  A sense of helplessness
•  Fear of places that are hard to escape

I'm not a big wacko as it may seem, I only fall into a few of those symptoms. Mainly the fear of places that are hard to escape. When I'm out of my comfort zone, I begin panicking. I race to the nearest transportation to the best of my ability and get home. Some of these people can't even leave their homes but that's partially the case here. I don't go out as often as the average 22 year old, but when I'm invited to a get-to-together I'm always up for it. There are places where you might not find me like a club (especially the black ones). Anxiety always come in the play because I'm surrounded by a bunch of hoods, gangsters, playboys, whores and hoodrats and I'm nowhere remotely close to similar. The paranoia is also a factor because every time I ever went to a club, somebody was either fighting or got shot. I haven't been to a club in 4 years. 

This phobia triggers the most when I'm with my girlfriend and she usually catches the fire because she's always in my way when I'm escaping. I have an out of body experience or depersonalization and everything becomes out of control. I yell at her because I'm panicking and she's blamed for all of the awkward and uncomfortable moments that occur because she wasn't sticking up for me slash "babysitting" my grown ass. It's 98% my fault but sometimes I just wish she wouldn't feed me to the wolves without protection. I would never do that to her.

Chronophobia

I'm not sure if this is a real phobia but anything before Anatidaephonia (fear the you are being watched by a duck) shouldn't be contested until that one is. Chronophobia is the fear of time or the passing of time as you see in the image. I like to call it, the fear of wasting time. Wasting time is not the same meaning as Webster's or the general public to me. Wasting time is just doing something I'm completely disinterested in but compelled to do so. This normally doesn't involve making money or benefiting me so I rarely feel this when I have to go to work. It happens the most when I'm obligated to shop with a woman. The anxiety is unreal. I get annoyed because I could be at home doing absolutely nothing in my free time. I get the same kind of panic attacks I get with Agoraphobia because I believe these two symptoms are linked in a way. This is also the reason for my impatience and why I move in a faster pace than my peers. 

Social Anxiety

I also have a social disorder which I haven't essentially diagnosed myself with yet lol. I just call it "social anxiety". I always thought it was because I was shy but I'm not. I'm a very outspoken person but only around my comfort zone. I guess that falls into a category of shy but not really. Shy people can talk on the phone, I can't. I think maybe it's because it's a waste of time who knows. I like being the leader but I hate being the center of attention. I am not incapable of doing these things it's just I'd rather not put myself into these situations. 

No I am not diagnosed by a doctor -- these are merely rationalized opinions of my behavior. I don't know how this started and I can't remember the first time I felt this Chronophobia because it's so normal to me now. I do know that I was always inpatient and my reasoning for that before was because I always had to wait for something to happen and it rarely came through. All of the constant disappointments lead to pessimism. My earliest memory of a severe case of Agoraphobia was prom night and I'd rather not get into details. Social anxiety always effected me because I never let anybody know the real me knowing my nerd ass wouldn't be accepted into society. Now that I don't pretend to somebody else, it's hard to make new friends and chat with the old ones. So really, I'm kind of stuck in the middle of nothing. 

I don't know I think I will shutup now. Thanks for reading.