10 Things I Hate About Facebook

I loved the movie Social Network and I adore Mark Zuckerberg with all my heart, but Facebook is WACK! I'm sure he didn't know that black people would take over Facebook and humiliate themselves publicly. This is the sole reason that it's been subsiding for at least 3-4 years now and it's time to inform our oldest friends and family to go back to high school reunions every 10 years instead. Here are 10 things I hate about my 2nd least favorite website (wssh is #1) in the world.

#10 FACEBOOK PICTURES

I'm not a fashion stylist, but I'm almost positive you shouldn't be on facebook dressed as a shirtless wallet. Put that dope money under your mattress before you get indited. Nobody cares about how much money you're going to blow on rims. If you're taking photos at the club, don't do a hoodrat pose, hold up money or expensive bottles liquor (empty, filled, or filled with water), and leave the fat chick in the zebra leggings out. She's a liability and liable to end humiliated up on MTO. Stop giving mouth to mouth to that sea lion whore you call a human being -- it's not cute. Stop taking pictures of yourself pregnant especially in you're not informing us in a caption that you are indeed pregnant and not just that fat. We need a validation before we make our own assumptions.



#9 THE LONG STATUS

Please spare humanity with your long sob stories about how men ain't shit ladies. We don't care. We don't need you to thoroughly go through every detail of this tedious narrative of how some you fought somebody's baby's mother. We don't care. No song lyrics should occur on my timeline if you didn't write it yourself. We don't care. If I wanted to hear a psalm out the bible, I would take mines out the trash and somehow tape it back together and read Romans; 13. But, don't we care. Wrap that shit up b.


#8 APPS, APPS, APPS!

So you're a Facebook addict and think it's a good idea to send me 1,000 app requests per minute. I wish I could return the favor and send you a 1,000 job applications but I'm not your mother or your life coach. I'm merely an annoyed judgmental asshole who really hates notifications about Cityville. I want to rip your fucking heart out and feed it to your cats. I hate you, sincerely.

#7 REST IN PEACE FACEBOOK

No disrespect to the dead but nobody gives a two fucks about the death of your local rapper drug dealing friend. Funny that you didn't see this coming 2 weeks ago, because I did and I don't even know him. By the looks of his picture without performing an autopsy, I can tell he's been shot from either robbing somebody or being robbed and killed by somebody he's robbed before. Expecting my sympathy? Don't be too optimistic for a like. This dead squirrel I ran over with my car is more important. Truthfully, I think we should take his funeral money and bury this squirrel instead. At least the squirrel is going to heaven.

#6 PARTY INVITATIONS

Female party promoters are the new whores and all of the men have HIV. These aren't even stereotypes, they make pie charts for this kind of repugnance. I'm not coming to your party "bro". Fuck out of here. I went to school with project kids and they think it's neat to send me millions of invites to their soirees. It's like inviting me to a premature death. How alluring. Parties, open houses, house warmings, baby showers, funerals, count me the fuck out. Deny, deny, deny! I would rather you leave a flyer on my windshield while it's raining so I know it's real.

#5 POKING

I've been consistently poking this girl for about 5 years. Oh, and I also hate poking on Facebook. What's that about? Mark Zuckerburg you fucking pervert you, you have some explaining to do. It's weird getting emails about some chick poking me. Pause. It sounds a little naughty but maybe because I have the mind of a small child. What if some dude decides he wants to poke me? Am I gay now? These are things I worry about for the safety of my unborn kids.

#4 GHETTO NAMES

Your parents didn't name you HoezLuvToEnvy MzKeisha AquafinaFlow Jackson or did they? I wouldn't be surprised. I would like to be the first and hopefully not the last to say; umm, I don't envy you...Nor do I care for your existence on Earth with an alias such as yours. I know it looks cool like Metta World Peace or Johnny Appleseed but what's your real name? Upload a picture of your birth certificate. You know, the thing without your dad's name on it. We'll like to know the real you. Not the potential basketball wife, but the one that reads vampire books. Or choose the best alternative, and permanently delete your account without the option of reactivation. It will save lives.

#3 SPAM

Ever since users deserted Facebook, it became a ghost town with dry tumbleweeds dancing through the streets like a gay parade. So with the little people who are still on Facebook (like your grandparents) they encounter SPAM something they aren't too familiar with because they aren't computer savvy. Well it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you didn't win an iPad 2, you're not going to be a tester for the iPhone 5, and yes you probably are dumb. This SPAM usually comes from one of your dumb friends who watch too much internet porn. He or she is not too protective their possessions and they cannot be trusted. Unfriend them and don't and let them borrow any money in the future.

#2 RECONCILIATION

The sole reason of Facebook is to reconcile with people you hated in the past. All of the people you like already have your contact information. This is the reason Facebook goes into the grinder. That stalker ex now has a way to contact you and that restraining order can no longer protect you for his vulgar comments about how he can almost see your nipple in that shirt. That one chick that who you had intimate relations with found you on Facebook and now you have to deactivate your account before your wife takes the kids and one of your Superbowl rings. Your mom added you and complains about all of your Facebook shit. You couldn't deny her request, that's your mom. You came out of her. So if I was you, I would cover up because I can almost see your nipple in that shirt.

#1 LIKES! LIKE MY STATUS PLEEEEEASE!

This option has to be the dagger! Liking a status? All of a sudden, we're back in high school because it's a popularity contest. One of the things I hate about this option is that you can't dislike anybody status which is fucking ridiculous because most of status' are fucking ridiculous. I believe the friend limit is a 5000 and the hoe limit is 2000. You can say any little thing and get a like. The chicks that reach over that 2k margin, are slovenly whores. Some girls actually have to make two pages -- we call them the overachieving whores. Not just the ladies but men. Usually the men are popular throughout all high school and get all the ladies, always had money, you know the birth lottery. Those are the people I usually hate on while I sit a stand still with my cult following 800 friends while building my twitter followers up to the ultimate maximum. Sometimes I write some thought provoking shit and get ONE like (counting myself).

 Ever wonder why people hate Facebook so much? That's why.