Movies That Sucked! Black Edition

Anybody who knows me think I'm racist against my own race. That's not completely true. I just think we make crappy movies 85% of the time. This blog right here will demonstrate the past fuck ups that I had the pleasure of seeing. Lets all read this together then ask ourselves this rhetorical question, why do white people hate us?

10. B.A.P.S. (1997) 

Omg Halle Berry what the fuck was were you thinking? This is the type of behavior we expect from the fat chick on the left who I do not care to IMDB. This is the type of shit you fire your agent for. B.A.P.S. stands for Black American Princesses not Black American Pictures Suck like I thought it did. Do you care whether I summarize this piece of shit or shall we move on?

9. Phat Girlz (2006)

Here's another movie title with bad acronyms. Phat Girlz: Pretty Hot And Thick? If you're like me, you probably didn't see this film but still know what happened. Let me guess, fat girl is insecure about her weight, some african heartthrob strangely finds it attractive. Joke joke, pun pun, they get married and have kids with thyroid and diabetes. That's exactly what happened right? No I'm not a psychic, it's just your typical black romantic comedy with Monique and the Beauty Shop gang. Sequels include, Hairshow, Nora's Hair Salon 1&2, Beauty Shop, and The Parkers.    

8. Glitter (2001)

This is the viewers choice for my 10 ten list. I personally have never seen it but I heard she got dropped from her label because the movie was so horrible. Damn Mariah. I never liked Mariah Carey and still don't but she has a couple of songs I like. As far as acting go, stick to your day job but I guess selling over 200 millions albums worldwide and having 18 hit singles under your belt isn't enough. You just have to show the world you can do more than break wine glasses with that opera singer voice of yours. I don't even consider Mariah Carey black but a lot of people in this movie was black. Yeah, even Terrance Howard.

7. State Property (2002)

Back in the day, Rocafella made clothes, music, liquor, diapers, phone cases, beepers, oh and even movies. State Property was one of them and I'm man enough to admit, I was attracted to this kind of lifestyle. Watching this in the present really make me think I was a dumb kid. This movie was horrible! Nonstop violence throughout the whole movie. The "Get down or lay down" code is in full effect and now slavery is reincarnated. Beanie Sigel, the leader of the pack, killed everybody in this movie but himself. It was like watching the ending of Scarface for 2 hours. But if it's any consultation, this was back in the day when rappers couldn't sell records without putting a gun in their song. I know that didn't help but I tried.

6. The Block Is Hot (2000) 

I could of made this whole blog just about hood movies but I just picked the closest to mainstream ones I could think of. Everybody knows Lil Wayne but before Lil Wayne was the best rapper, he was part a rap group that was anti-good acting. The Block Is Hot was as illiterate and moronic as their album cover illustrations. Their raps were turned into movie form with their vulgar misogynistic views towards women and shooting a mailman? Wait, it gets worse. That's was all I was thinking as I shot myself halfway into the movie. Magnolia seems like the place I wouldn't want to raise my kids. Thank you Cash Money for enlightening me that not only africans are living in severe poverty. Bling bling

5. Madea's Diary of a Mad Black Woman/Family Reunion (2005-2006)

Who could forget Shemar Moore wearing a cornrow wig in that one Madea movie that was almost same as the other one, that was exactly like that other one, that is very equivalent to that other Medea movie he made. Anybody that finds Tyler Perry dressing up like a stereotypical black single grandmother funny is a fucking lunatic. Don't we all just wish Tyler Perry was still sleeping in his minivan? He can perpetuate stereotypes as long as black people are paying money to see it. Here's a movie title, Madea Goes To Hell. I hate everything about his movies from start to finish. Nuff said


4. Love Don't Cost A Thing (2003)

Ok Nick Cannon fans cover your baby ears because the scrutiny is about to be real. Let me start by saying I hate Christina Millan's cute incredibly bland ass and I'm sure Nick Cannon feels the same way. Now, this movie was beyond unreal. Geeks pays popular girl thousands of dollars to date him to make him popular in school. I hate this movie because it worked. That shit will never work in real life. This script must have been wrote by white people because no black people ever says the kind of lame shit that comes out of Nick Cannon's mouth. And this was the last time anybody has ever heard of Christina. Thank you Jesus.

3. Soul Plane (2004) 

Hey I have an idea, let's make a plane with bitches and a club for niggers and make a movie out of it.

What an incredible idea! - KKK

This movie is the epitome of stereotypes and far from funny. The rapper Snoop Dogg is really the only thing to look forward to and it seems like he's the only comedian in this movie.

This movie never happened as far as I'm concerned.

2. Norbit (2007)

Eddie Murphy's sexuality was already in question and I think this was his coming out party. Norbit is Eddie Murphy's worst movie and as a fan, I'm extremely disappointed. It's about some queer black guy who ends up dating his grade school bully.He plays both characters Norbit and Rasputia and this story couldn't be even more dumber. Only fat black people find this shit funny. There was not one time I laughed. Most of the funny parts were about Rasputia using her slovenly overweight body for gags and I don't even think a child would find this hilarious. Lets face facts, we will never get the Raw Eddie Murphy back.

1. Killa Season (2006)

I hope I don't get shot by somebody from Harlem for writing this but this is the worst movie I ever seen in my life. This is another story about a rapper/drug dealer on the come up and it seems like killing people over small things and spitting on kid's faces is the on way to gain respect. Every now and then, Cam'ron Giles the star of this hood abomination, does a musical number and all of a sudden, the movie turns into a rap video. The scene where Cam'ron cries for help because his little niece gets her cap peeled back, is probably the funniest shit I ever seen in my life. I'm pretty much alienated from the kind of idiots who beg for a sequel. This movie is straight up trash and lags way too much. Yet, Cam is still the man but acting aint him. Nor is crying, writing a script, and being on Bill O'Reilly live.